The Cynical Nature of the Beast

Cynicism has always been a part of my nature. I’m prone towards disappointment (often times due to my own over-buildup of events in my mind) and I feel the cynicism is a survival trait. Expect the worst and all that goes right in the world comes out as a pleasant surprise. Think positively and any failure is seen as a set back, rather then an expected result. I don’t want things to be negative and I certainly don’t want to fail. I want to be continually pleasantly surprised in this life. There have been many surprises as of late in my life and I am over-joyed at that. Working a job that I love is an amazing feeling. I feel productive there. I work with people I like. I work in a field that I enjoy. I can see life as a good thing – something where those things I want can be accomplished. It makes me feel like the effort I’ve made and the work I’ve done have actually paid off in some regards. This is an immensely good feeling – however there is that side of myself that feels as if I’m setting myself up for yet another great fall. I don’t want this to be a story of self-fufilling prophecy. I’d like to think I am capable of seeing those things that are starting to go astray due to the weight of the world, and if I can see them I can prepare for them, I can change them, and where I can’t make change I can accept things for what they are, examine all sides of a thing and adapt myself accordingly. We all fall down. Life is filled with times where we are knocked on our asses. The measure of a person is not how well they maintain their balance in the face of adversity – the true measure of a person comes from the fall and how they get up. There is nothing wrong with accepting defeat as long as we learn from it. We all have limitations and we must accept those. Until we are willing to accept those things how can we move forward? How can we truly know where our real strengths lie and how to effectively use them to craft the world around us. We will fail. Failure is a certainty. This is not cynicism. But even in failure there is hope. There are lessons to be learned and in learning these lessons we become stronger. The whole becomes greater. We adapt. We survive. In understanding this, in truly being willing to close our eyes and take the fall knowing that in the end we will get up, stronger, more focused, more determined, and much more a part of the whole we have then succeeded. Failure is but a bridge to things greater. It is in these moments we find out greatest successes. It is in these rare moments of change, those moments where we stand at a turning point in the road that we discover ourselves. One must be willing to look in the mirror with eyes wide open – look past the masks that we have built up amongst friends, amongst strangers, amongst love, amongst hate, amongst fear – see through these disguises we wear so well and see the fallible human. See the person who is capable of being wrong. See the person who is capable of great injustice and cruelty. See the person who hides secret prejudices and harbors desires too secret to wear in public. See that person and accept that person for in the person is someone filled with great compassion, great understanding, great love, great wisdom. We are the beast. We are the shadow. We the better angels of the light. One is never whole unless one accepts both sides in to themselves. Open the door and invite yourself in. Love yourself for your strengths as well as your weaknesses. Accept all sides in to yourself and then filter them through you so that you may understand, so that you may see, and so that your mind can truly be your own – not a mind pulled or shaped by others, but one you have crafted through acceptance of those things you can and cannot do. Do not, however, resign yourself to failure. It takes a brave heart to hurl itself against a wall knowing the wall will never break. Knowing that after the heart falls silent the wall remains. Live your life for you. Do not let the impossible make you feel small for you are a giant as long as you believe it to be so. Look up in to the night sky, see all the stars, see the great vastness of time and space, and just for a moment allow yourself to feel bigger than it all. Just for one second stand up and shout out to the universe the most simple truth there is: “I am.”